Unsolicited Advice is Always Bad Advice
We’ve all been there. The impulsive phone call to a friend or family member when an injustice has occurred. The rage and flooding of emotions when fight or flight mode is triggered. Hoping for comfort, support, or validation but instead being greeted with suggestions, advice, or worse… an onslaught of questions.
My first thought in those moments is always, “Wow, do I regret this call”. It might be the best advice in the world. A truly profound nugget of wisdom that will solve everything. But in the moment, it’s going to fall on deaf ears.
Why?
Unsolicited advice feels like an attack on personal intelligence and often comes with a ‘you should’ statement which feels like work. There is the assumption that the person seeking comfort hasn’t already thought of the solution or reasoned their way through it. I may well know all I have to do is go back to the dealership and have a chat with customer service, but right now I just want to vent my frustration and let off some steam.
I get it. When the roles are reversed and someone may be running a problem past me, my first reaction is also to solve—to fix. That’s how I feel like I can offer comfort. I never like seeing people frustrated or upset and if I can just remove the obstacle the pain will go away. Advice and wisdom may be beneficial later if requested, but in the moment, that approach seldom works. I remember listening to social worker and New York Times best-selling author, Dr. Brené Brown, tell a related story about her daughter in a podcast.
Her daughter had come home from school and immediately sank to the floor bursting into tears. Fighting her instinct to interrogate, fix and solve, Dr. Brown instead chose to sit with her daughter in the dark and give space before helping to turn on the light.
“That must’ve been really tough not getting invited. I know how awful it feels to be left out.”
She could’ve gone full protective parent mode and called the other child’s parents or coached her daughter on a conversation she should have with the classmate. Instead, she showed her how to manage emotions, deal with the hurt, and offer support.
Maybe it’s a side-effect of having low self confidence, but something just feels arrogant about giving advice when it’s unwanted.
“You should see Half Dome when you go to Yosemite.”
If nothing else it’s a conversation killer. If you want to make sure they go to Half Dome or want to talk about your particular experience, there are so many different ways to phrase the sentence so it doesn’t take out a person’s autonomy.
“Have you been to Half Dome before?”
“I watched the Free Solo documentary with Alex Hannold and that area of Yosemite looks incredible!”
“Have you decided what parts of the park you’re going to? I was so excited when we won the lottery to hike Half Dome.”
So simple, but such an effective way to open up the conversation, invite new topics into the discussion, and leave some threads for the other person to pick up on if they are looking for more information.
“A lottery system for the hike? I had no idea you needed that! How do you go about getting it?”
I think people genuinely do ask for advice when they need it. When it’s known that a conversation is about to be a two-sided chat rather than a lecture, both parties can be engaged and receptive. Approaching from a place of curiosity and care encourages so much more than entitled arrogance ever will.
This, of course, is about friend or family dynamics. A coach/supervisor/manager or other figures who occupy a hierarchical position above you can have grounds to offer feedback on performance without invitation. But in general, I stand firm in the belief that unsolicited advice is always best left unsaid.