Dating in your 20s: Single by choice or desperately looking for love?

She sat curled up in the corner of her couch, feet tucked snuggly under the armrest. Her phone buzzed and her eyes darted over to the lit up screen. “Next Tuesday at 7:15?” the message read. 

A heavy sigh escaped as she set down her book and reached for her social tether. Do I want to? She pondered. They were, afterall, quite cute, confident, and conversation had flowed naturally. 

“Sounds good. Looking forward to it!”. Her fingers danced across the screen. Thumb hovering over the send button, but instead of pushing it through she locked her phone and threw it toward the stack of pillows. I should. I know I should. But I just… don’t want to? 

The constant internal battle plagued her regularly. She had grown comfortable being in solitude – or better yet, in solidarity with herself. Several years alone after a long relationship had forced her to learn how she actually wanted to fill her time, and she had gotten quite good at it. Now, the thought of planning an outfit, dealing with traffic, mentally gearing up for small talk and the potential of having to carry a conversation for multiple hours felt arduous – and more importantly, avoidable. 

That’s not fair, give them a chance – the lonely piece of her heart fought back against the obstinate and dominating practical brain: a pairing often at odds with one another. The brain with its hands on the steering wheel guiding them to safety, while the heart had its foot on the gas driving them towards connection. 

She stood up and walked to the kitchen to put on a pot of water for tea. Was it selfish to want to spend time alone? Not even alone, just not in a relationship. She reached in the cupboard and fished around for her favorite earl grey. Thoughts of a snow covered walk downtown, fingers interlaced, breathing in crisp winter air flashed through her head. With the holiday months approaching, the thought of having a partner to do couple-y things with was indeed enticing. A montage of romanticized images continued to filter through her gaze while she stared absently out the window. Laughing together at a family party, cozying up and watching a movie, or hustling through the airport together with luggage in tow. 

The whistling kettle snapped her back to reality and she poured the boiling water in her oversized mug. No, dammit. She slammed the kettle back on the stove. I shouldn’t be convincing myself this is a good idea. Love at first sight might not exist, but shouldn’t there be some attraction? Some kind of pull? Shouldn’t I be… excited? Not by the fantasy but by the person. Shouldn’t I feel something? 

Shuffling back to the couch she grabbed her laptop along the way. Sitting down with one leg tucked under the other, she flipped open her computer. Staring at the blinking cursor, she thought of people she saw in relationships. The word that came to mind was – compromise. Woof. Cliched phrases like, ‘the things you overlook for love!’ or ‘they complete me!’ were uttered all the time. 

The thought of saying those words herself was repulsive. She wasn’t looking to be completed or to compromise on certain areas of her life just yet. She wanted to build her own empire. Strengthen her network of friends. Work on herself and find someone who could meet her at that stage of her life: in their own broken, healing, independent way.

She leaned back and sipped her tea, a wave of resolute understanding washing over her. I know what I want, she thought to herself. “I know what I want!” She said aloud and stood up, throwing her fists above her head doing a lame karate kick in the air. She sniffed out a laugh at her own ridiculousness, tossing her hair up in a messy bun before topping off her mug with more hot water. Do I want to be alone forever? No, she thought. But for now, solo travel, random hookups and strong friendships were more than enough. The rest, she hoped, would fall into place eventually.

Checking the time, she called her confidant on the east coast. 

“Hello?” he answered. 

“Hi, I said no” she said, sucking in air through a nervous smile. 

“You’re an animal. Honestly, I thought they had potential!” 

“I know but the more I think about it, the more I’m like… it’s not for me.”

“Ok it’s just... You sounded excited about this one. Are you doing the thing where you project out what the whole relationship will look like, and tell the end of the story before you give the person the chance to defy your stubborn little expectations?” 

There was a pang in her gut at the honesty but that was the blessing of a true friend; he knew just how far to take things while keeping it light but truthful.

“Aggressive, but fair.” She fired back with raised eyebrows. And it’s really not that this time. They have long term potential, I just don’t want to date. Crazy, I know. I still have ‘me’ shit to sort out first I think. Still in my personal growth era.”

“Love that for you. But wait, don’t you need to have kids soon?”

They both laughed. 

“How dare you” she said with a smile.